Then Why Are You Still Bleeding?

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Posts tagged with "Random life posting"

Things I struggle with:

My hardcore atheist brain and my mystical/witchy heart.

Not ever being dark enough for my liking and being horribly ashamed of not speaking Spanish but being aware of how privileged I am because of my light-skinned/white-passing-ness.

The fact that the longer I nanny/babysit, the less I want kids myself and how much of my life that may or may change.

Blood

My doctor had me come in today for a blood draw. The phlebotomist was surprised at how many tests she wanted me to take. I was too tired to even ask what they all were. They took 7 vials of blood an hour before I even usually wake up, after fasting from the night before.

I keep bending my elbow because I’m worried about my vein opening and just bleeding out. I actually like needles, and think blood draws are neat, but I’ve developed this ridiculous fear since last year. When I was depending on selling plasma for money. I used to have nightmares about it, and I was so grateful when I finally qualified for foodstamps, and later when I finally got some jobs.

I go back in to discuss my results next week, and to figure out possible diagnosis/treatment/concerns.

Yay.

tw: quick mention of rape/dv

Last night I had a very happy dream that made me super sad upon waking because the person in the dream isn’t talking to me any more. Yesterday I woke up from a bad dream and had to watch some Supernatural episodes with Jimmy to calm down.

I have this personal definition that a nightmare is any dream that is like a horror story, but doesn’t upset me (I’ve been having nightmares as long as I can remember and they rarely phase me). A bad dream is anything that actually upsets me, which of late has been a lot of rape and domestic violence.

I’m tired. My awesome new boots gave me really bad blisters so my feet hurt. But my ex is in town and I’m super excited about hanging out with him for a few weeks! We’re gonna geek out over horror movies.

Jun 4

I went to sleep at midnight, I woke up at 5:30, I babysat twins from 8-1, treated myself to some Sweetpea and picked up some stuff from Food Fight! and a comic book store, and am now babysitting two toddlers from different families together from 6-10. I’m going to make $200 today, spent like $50 on random stuff, and am going to sleep forever (or at least until I have to babysit tomorrow afternoon at 4).

Thanks FSM for coffee and public transportation and good-mannered toddlers and grateful parents and a super vegan friendly city and roommates who will take care of your cats when you forget.

Today Alison referred to all of us as ‘family’ multiple times and things feel good here. Even without walls and the fact that I’ve been very mood swing-y/down on myself/feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

tw: ed

I made a joke about how Rascal (my soon-to-be-roommate’s cat) and I should start a house support group for our bulimia/binge&purge EDs.

No one appreciated it.

I’m funny, damnit.

Mar 9

On the rare occasions that my hair is pink, I think of Edith, and one of the poems she wrote after we had sex, and nostalgia makes me feel like I want to get back to that time. But, as posted several days ago, nostalgia is a dirty fucking liar that smooths over the amount of tears and anger that came along with those relationships.

Mar 5

Also, today I told my therapist about how much I identify with Dean Winchester and how he’s my patronus and therapy, man…

Mar 4

Today in therapy we were talking about one thing that I need to talk about and talk to more people about and figure out what I’m going to do about the situation, but then I told my therapist that while that was really important, there was something I wanted/needed to talk about even more and afterward she congratulated me for taking more charge of our sessions and gave me homework to help me figure out the second thing more.

I wish there were easy answers for the first situation, though. There are none, I’m fairly certain, and no matter what I do someone will end up upset…

For when things are bad, when I question the decisions I’ve made with my life, I want to remember: Jimmy and I washing/drying dishes in the kitchen, Alison chopping wood right outside the window, cats and dogs napping on the couches, Christmas morning bagels to compliment all the tamales and posole that were made the night before, discussing the projects and plans for the new house, calling all our parents about a holiday that Alison and Jimmy don’t like but celebrated with me anyway because they know it’s important to me.

Things I need to figure out in a very, very short amount of time:

How important is it to surround myself with people of color? People I am incredibly familiar and mostly comfortable with? The people I’m dating? Am I ok being the fattest/only fat person in a household? Only person of color? Living with someone whom I’m dating but not a primary/partner, and my metamour/their primary partner/my ex?

How much energy do I have to deal with my relationship issues, self-worth/esteem/compassion issues, a tripled commute, household repairs, home/garden building, my cats getting used to all the new animals, all while feeling very far away from the few connections I’ve made in Portland? Do I want to stay in Portland? Will I be OK moving in later on, or, if I’m doing this, do I have to do it as soon as they buy the house?

If given the option, how much money can I pay into a pot while paying off my debt and not fucking myself over?

I’ve basically been gone because I’m freaking out over life decisions. Like, panic attacks and hysterical crying fits and bolting from friends trying to get me to talk and long, long Talks(TM). And, also, just getting pretty busy in general. 

Ok, not moving in with Jimmy and Alison and it’s probably for the best. I feel mostly relieved that a decision was made and we can hopefully figure out something even better in the long run.

In other news, it looks like the PDX Vegans of Color group’s first thing is gonna be a panel on race and the animal rights movement and how those folks are assholes. And maybe how to fix that. And I’m busy starting the dog walking collective and I’m gonna take a class or two at PCC in the new year but I’m dead broke so that’s a silly thought. I might just be selling plasma a lot, hopefully I don’t start having nightmares about it again. And I’m gonna do the Social Justice Fund training in the spring/summer and I got approved to be a Big Sister at Big Brothers Big Sisters, yay!

That all sounds like a lot when I type it out. So less internet is going to continue being a trend for me. Also, a huge lack of time.

I might be moving in, albeit temporarily, with Alison and Jimmy.

I want to cry and hide and for it to be already here and for it to never happen all at once.

Do not want to process emotions and be vulnerable.

You know what’s also weird? I never know what to call my stepfather’s mother. Like, my cousins (who grew up fluent in Spanish, unlike me), always called her grandma, not abuela (unless they wanted something and were buttering her up in Spanish). But, also, I hated my stepfather and my grandma also never really spoke English so there was a divide there regarding how close I felt to her. And now that she’s been living in Texas for over 10 years and I haven’t seen her at all in that time, I never really think of it much.

Also, there are no long, ethnic diaspora diatribes I can go on about concerning my grandmother’s kitchen. It always struck me as funny how often that seems to a be stock writing trope when discussing race in America. It smelled like beans and pork and was stark white no matter what apartment they were in that year because they were always renting and I disliked it because my grandfather was a jerk while my grandmother just cooked and cleaned and watched I Love Lucy all day.

It’s a ramble-ly kind of night. It’s been a shitty past few days. But I’m starting to feel a little more normal, at least.